Sometimes I cry myself to sleep……

….thinking about how things might have been, if only……

I’m finding this love thing very difficult.  Or is it the lack of love I’m finding difficult?

I really can’t answer if I’d be laying here crying about it if I didn’t have a tangiable person to be crying about!  Would I be wallowing in the grief of a lost love if I never loved someone?  Or would I be laying here crying about the fact that I’d never loved someone?  It all becomes a bit cloudy when you deal with feelings, doesn’t it?  You don’t really know where one feeling begins and the other one ends.  And then you end up swimming in a sea of tears not really knowing how they started or how they’re going to stop!

You see, I’ve been in love before.  And the normal course of things is you fall in love, you get to know each other, you get on really well, you like the same things and you laugh at the same things, you love deeper and more meaningful, he pisses you off, you question your sanity, you fall out love, you leave!  That’s simply how nature takes it’s course.  And yes, it’s sad that you break up; you have history together; you miss the person you hoped he would be!  You mourn the loss of the person he was!  But you cry and you know that it wasnt what you want/need.  So you move on!

But this last love of mine, well, it didnt run the true natural course of things.  What happened was that I fell in love, we got on really well, we laughed, we made love, we talked, we held hands, we looked into each others eyes and then he pissed off to a new life abroad!!!!  So I’m left thinking he’s the best thing that ever happened to me and, well, that’s it!  Nothing to dislike, he never pissed me off (well, that’s a lie, but he never REALLY pissed me off, there’s a difference!) he never made me question my future with him, he just went!  And now all I’m left with are ‘what ifs’.  And that’s why I’m crying, cos I just thought through this whole ‘what if’ scenario of him coming back and asking me to go with him – cos he realises what a damn fool he was leaving me behind in the first place – and me being sooooo bloody happy that it made me cry.

Jeez!  you know the saying “if you love something, let it go, if it comes back its yours, if it doesnt it never was”?  Well, he hasn’t come back……………..

And now I’m awake and crying…………..


~ by tuscanystone on September 15, 2008.

2 Responses to “Sometimes I cry myself to sleep……”

  1. I have learned one thing in my 32 years of life, if you want something…go get it. If he is the one for you, let him know. Otherwise, he may be feeling the same way you are and neither one of you know it! Love is so complicated!

  2. Hey Molly

    Thanks for caring hun, but he knows that I love him. I told him before he left which is 18 months ago now. He said he doesn’t beleive in love. He’s one of those free spirits ya know, want’s to roam the world feeding tigers…

    I agree that you gotta ‘go get it’ and don’t think anyone should be afraid of expressing their feelings (I used to be like that). But if they dont feel it back, well, you just gotta accept it and smile and hope that one day you meet someone that reciprocates eh.

    It’s doesn’t stop those moments of sadness tho, unfortunately……

    Take care honey :o)

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